Fakename Goes Digital…Part 2

Faithful readers will recall that I purchased a digital TV in February, and while I managed to get it plugged up to the electrical outlet and the cable box correctly, I was defeated by the menu button. Step One was to choose the language for your menu.  It’s now May 9th, and I’ve gotten really tired of seeing “Mute” spelled out in Ukrainian on the screen.  I decided it was time to face my demons and attack the User Manual again.

The occasion for this is that I decided to watch the DVD I bought of “Marley & Me”, although I vaguely remembered that use of the built-in DVD required some sort of setup.  Of all the words I despise in the Ukrainian language, “setup” is the worst.    I was hoping I could just put in the disc and that the TV would recognize it should switch to DVD. 

The first problem I encountered was that the disc wouldn’t go in unless you forced it.  I’m used to CD’s in the computer, where the tray just sort of grabs the CD and pulls it right in.  I thought something similar should happen with the DVD slot on the TV.  Once I got the disc in, nothing happened, so I pressed “Eject”.  Nothing happened.  Not to worry.  I was able to pull it out with a fondue fork. 

Time to read the directions and really concentrate.  As soon as I started, I knew I should have paid more attention the first time.  The introduction to the manual states:  “Thank you for choosing this product.  This manual will guide you for proper operation.  Before operating the TV, please read this manual properly.  [I could read it improperly?  Would that be like, reading it naked?]  Please do keep this manual in a safe place for future references.  [I should not store it in the fireplace?]  This portable TV has been designed for private use only.”  [I’d invite you over to watch the season finale of House, but my owner’s manual prohibits it.]

After 4 hours and 32 minutes of carefully reading the manual, I found, buried at the top of Page 14, the following instructions, more or less:  Press the menu button.  Select the up/down buttons to select “Setup”.  Then select the right arrow button to display the Submenu.  That had been my problem all along–failure to access the Submenu.  In no time at all, I was able to change the language to English.

The next hurdle was making the sleep button work.  It turns out you have to go to “Advanced Video Menu”.  I mean that should have been totally obvious, right?  Your first option there is setting the time and date.  I got started on that and managed to change the year and the month.  Then there was the time.  First you have to select “Auto” or “Manual”.  After selecting “Manual”, you can’t just press the numbers on the remote for the time, you have to press the right arrow button repeatedly so the time advances minute by minute.  I had to go from 10:35 P.M. to 2:10 P.M.  After like 10,000 presses of the button, I made it to the correct time.  I was really worried that during this process I would exhaust the AAA batteries in the remote.  I have no extras.  Here in Fakeworld, we are strictly a AA household.  Once I had the correct time, I went back and selected “Auto” for the time.  It promptly returned to 10:35 P.M. 

At that point I became Pentecostal.  Talk about speaking in tongues.  I cursed the User Manual in words I didn’t even know I knew.  I might have been speaking Klingon.  Or maybe it was just Ukrainian. 

I gave up working on the time and worked on making the sleep button work.  I may have succeeded with this, but the possibility exists that it’s always on.  So just when the final scene of the season finale of House is on, the TV will turn itself off. 

Needless to say, I am no closer to being able to use the DVD player than I was when I woke up this morning.  I expect it will take me another three months to work up the courage.  Meanwhile, I’ll keep the fondue fork handy.