Now I’m Ready To Talk

Not because you want or need to know, it’s just that I need it. 

Many years ago, it seemed to me that my life as a sexual being was over.  This is a hard thing to accept when your whole life revolves around being cute.  My whole life never actually involved being cute.  I fought like a…a…Tasmanian Devil, to keep “cute” from being the thing that defined me. 

Except it didn’t work.  No matter how thougtful I was, how intelligent, how articulate, my whole life seemed to be defined by the size of my breasts.  Ugh.  The only cure for it was getting older and not being cute any more.  I couldn’t wait. 

It was such a  relief. 

So imagine me, finally being released from cute, meeting someone who surprised me. 

I liked (like) him so much, and he hurt my feelings.  He knows that, although I’m not really sure he gets why.  I don’t guess that’s necessary that you understand why.  Probably only necesssary to get over it and forgive and forget.  I seem to be terrible at that.


10 responses to “Now I’m Ready To Talk

  1. masteroftheuniverse

    I wonder what age one has to be before they stop getting hurt?

  2. Good question,Jeff, I think the answer is…never. As long as you can still be hurt, you are alive.

  3. Ah, yes, reminds me of a friend of mine who recently said “The part I hate about getting older is that heads no longer turn when I walk into a room.”

    Think blond bombshell – still blond, for sure, but no longer the bomb.

  4. I remember you saying that. I have no sympathy 🙂

  5. > my whole life seemed to be defined by the size of
    > my breasts.

    I doubt it was you engaging in that definition, so why allow others to define you? I’ve never understood the preoccupation so many men have with boobs.

    I’ve never been a boob man…I’m a leg man! 😉

    Are you referring to the “contractor”? I didn’t think you had any real interest in him.

  6. I hate ( I don’t like the word hate..but …) being hurt…I have been hurt far too many times….

    For something different , I have been seeing someone as a friend for the past 3 months…just a casual date here or there..gosh it is weird though , no holding hands, just a hello and good bye hug..I like it as there is no commitment….

    But deep down I would love to be loved ……..surely there is someone who wants a fifty something me ….

  7. masteroftheuniverse

    Since I got royally screwed over by my ex-bestselling author girlfriend who had no class at all, but I still carry a silent torch for……….I just don’t have the energy for any relationships, I don’t even have the energy to keep my current friendships up. Life is really strange, especially after looking at a DVD of your late wife…..Digital things last forever, and that’s both good and bad.

    • I am so sorry Jeff, please don’t think that because of one person you have to be this way..time will heal….and by the by you have friends who will always be there for you …even if one lives on the otherside of the planet

  8. > But deep down I would love to be loved

    Everyone does. But from my experience, it is often a matter of luck. I thought I’d have a number of serial relationships and never really settle down.

    Because I’m…..”eccentric” ;), maybe borderline psychopathic since I have little empathy for others and do not feel constrained by anything external, as well as somewhat anti-social and self-centered.

    But I got lucky and met Susie. If I hadn’t met her, I really believe my vision of my life would have become reality.

    Part of the problem, I think, is that you’re in a small town (relatively speaking). And this is a rural area, so many of the folks you’ll meet are not going to be on your level in many areas.

    Susie and I have little in common – educationally, social background, etc. Lucky for me, by the time we met, I had decided that a lot of what folks “say” they want in a person. including me, is really irrelevant.

    We are proof that a long relationship only requires acceptance of each other and none of this “training” crap I hear a lot about. I’ve never tried to make her interested in my interests and she’s never tried to make me religious, etc.

    No matchmaker would ever put us together, which why I think those E-harmony type websites that say they can match you up with your soul mate based on shared interests fleshed out by a questionnaire is bullshit. There has to be a certain chemistry that no questionnaire can predict.

    Do you ever watch Millionaire Matchmaker? She’s good! Too bad her clients are often spoiled jerks, which is why they’re still single.

  9. I’ve been touched by the response to this post.
    Steve: I don’t believe in “luck”, per se. But I do understand “random”. So there was the randomness of your meeting Susie, but it had to happen at a time when you were both “ready”. And in spite of your evaluation of yourself, here’s my observation: successful, long-term relationships require work. It isn’t that the work is always hard. But you’ve done it. That work involves sometimes (maybe even often!) putting the other person ahead of yourself, therefore, I know you aren’t as self-centered as you claim to be 🙂
    Alix: Yes. There is someone out there who wants you. I’d like to hear how your cautious approach works out.
    Jeff: There is no way to really grasp the situation you’re in, the depth of your grief and pain. I can only guess that you often feel lost. But it seems to me you’re doing the right things, which sometimes, in the short term, may not seem to help, but will help in the long term.

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