Food Advice from Fakename

My first food advice is this:  if you are into healthy eating, ignore every warning you ever heard.  I base this on the fact that eggs used to be good for you, then they were bad for you, then they became good for you again.  Carrots were good for you too, because they improve your vision, until we found out you can get Vitamin A poisoning.  (Fakename asks:  How many carrots would you have to eat before that happens?  And how come rabbits can’t see better?) 

And you also aren’t supposed to eat undercooked land animals (trichinosis and Mad Cow disease) or raw sea animals such as oysters.  Then we found out we can die from eating spinach.  It’s a wonder we can bear to eat anything any more.  It’s all so dangerous.  My theory is that one day we will evolve to have built-in IV ports, which will allow us to hook up at perfectly sanitary feeding stations.  (Of course, I also have a theory that we will evolve to have stylus-shaped fingers so that we can use our cell phones.)

So Fakename’s first food advice is this:  Eat whatever the hell you want.  One day it will be proven that salt, and real butter, have amazing health benefits.  Life is entirely too short to obsess over your food choices.  And think about it:  the people who die from food-related causes don’t do so because they made a bad decision.  They got blind-sided by something totally unpredictable.  In other words, they ate spinach.  (Not that Fakename has anything against spinach. In fact she loves it. )

This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t take reasonable precautions.  Fakename believes you should never eat feral dogs or cats.  Unless you’re really, really hungry. 

Fakename acknowledges that taking her advice is chancy, but here is the one area where she truly claims to be an expert:  ice cream.  Never, ever, ever buy ice cream with an ingredient that ends in “gum”, as in “guar gum” or “xanthun gum”.  These are cheap additives which allow the ice cream to congeal without actually using as much cream.  And the gums completely change the mouthfeel (I love that word).  Ice cream with gum additives taste more like pudding to me.  And while you’re at it, don’t buy ice cream with propylene glycol added.  Sometimes taste is in the brain, and in my brain, I think I’m eating motor oil.  Or possibly…antifreeze. 

This is why you should always eat Haagen-dazs ice cream.  In spite of the fact that they have a fake name…oh wait, I think that rings a bell for me.  But H-d sounds Dutch, only it’s made in New York.  The only thing I dislike about them is that they do these experimental flavors, and about the time I get addicted to one of them, they quit making it.  Very similar to cosmetic companies.  As soon as I become enamored of a particular color of lipstick, they quit making it. Or, at least, they change the name of it so that you have to poke through tube after tube to find its clone. 

Life is a series of difficult choices.  Food and lipstick choices should not be so hard.


2 responses to “Food Advice from Fakename

  1. I just checked the list of ingredients on my box of Publix Premium Pecan Turtle Fudge, and there at the very end as the last ingredient is… guar.
    But, I think this ice cream is great! Especially on top of Dutch Apple pie!

  2. Fakename commends you for looking 🙂 Especially since you are the biggest ice cream fan she knows besides herself.
    I just made the mistake of buying Edy’s. Never again.

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