News From the World of “Duh”

A new study has shown that rats who are deprived of sleep don’t think as well. This may apply to humans too, but it’s as yet unproven. 

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I kind of stole that “Duh” thing from Andy Borowitz, who created a fictional publication called Duh Magazine.  His latest post reveals that Barack Obama admitted that he ran unsucessfully for the presidency of Kenya in 2005, but was disqualified because they couldn’t prove he was a citizen of Kenya.   

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Is Hawaii really a state?

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Rumor has it that two people in England got married on Friday and it was a very big deal all over the planet.  At least it was a big deal to the comparatively miniscule percentage of people on the planet who have cable TV.  I actually KNOW two people who got up at 4:00 A.M. to watch the wedding in real time.  Which they had to do because it isn’t always Friday on Friday wherever you are.  Or at least, it’s later on Friday than you thought. 

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This week, friend Rocky , or more properly, Rocky’s wife, alerted us to the danger of snow globes.  I’m accustomed to always traveling with a snow globe in my carry-on luggage.  That way if your checked baggage gets lost, you will still have something warm and purry to cuddle up to while you sleep on the floor of the airport lounge.  Plus, it’s a great way to store  cocaine flakes.

Breaking News from Andy Borowitz

McCain Replaces Palin with Startled Deer

Hoofed Running Mate Could be Game-changer

 

With less than a week to go before the crucial vice-presidential debate, GOP presidential nominee John McCain announced today that he was replacing his running mate, Alaska governor Sarah Palin, with a startled deer.
According to campaign insiders, the decision to select a hoofed mammal to replace Gov. Palin evolved after Sen. McCain watched his running mate’s performance in a series of interviews with CBS’s Katie Couric.
“Good Lord, a startled deer could do better than that,” Sen. McCain reportedly said, prompting his aides to draw up a shortlist of startled deer.
The Arizona senator supposedly brushed aside concerns that a startled deer would wilt under the pressure of a televised debate, telling aides, “At least a goddamn deer won’t go on about Alaska being close to Russia.”
The McCain campaign said today that Sen. McCain’s new running mate, Bucky the Red Deer, would not be made available to the press prior to the debate.
“Bucky is very much a work in progress,” said McCain campaign manager Rick Davis. “Right now we’re working on keeping him from bolting off the stage.”
Bucky’s opponent in the upcoming debate, Delaware senator Joseph Biden, appeared today to be trying to manage expectations for the high-stakes face-off with his four-legged rival.
“Bucky the Red Deer is articulate, bright and clean,” Sen. Biden said.  “That’s storybook, man.”
Elsewhere, former “American Idol” star Clay Aiken revealed that he was gay in an exclusive interview with Duh magazine.

Sarah Palin and Pitbulls Without Lipstick

Some very funny stuff has been posted recently about the whole political process we’re enduring, and I do mean enduring.  To start with, The Miami Herald lost its mind and allowed humorist Dave Barry to cover the Olympics, and both the Democratic and Republican conventions.  I’ve been wanting to post a recent comment by Dave, but the Miami Herald has a very strict policy about reproducing its articles or any part thereof, including periods and commas which appeared in the newspaper, on pain of death.  But finally, on the off chance I won’t get caught, I’m reproducing this quote that I can’t resist.  (Dear Miami Herald:  Please, please don’t send the copyright police to my door.  My Doberman really hates copyright police.  Also, here’s a disclaimer:  I did not write what I’m about to say.  Dave Barry did!  In the Miami Herald!  Miami Herald, Miami Herald, Miami Herald!  You can see it yourself on www.miamiherald.com.  Is that okay?)

So while covering the Republican convention, Dave Barry had this to say about how they planned to differentiate themselves from the Democrats: 

“The Palin choice is only one of the storylines that will be developing here over the next few days. Another one will be the Republicans’ effort to contrast the tone and style of their convention with that of the Democrats, particularly Barack Obama’s now-legendary acceptance speech, which he read from stone tablets, in which he promised the American public that if elected he would give them peace, jobs, healthcare, national security, energy independence, good schools, a clean environment, reduced government waste, lower taxes, the head of Osama bin Laden, giant underwater cities, time travel, and a magic flying zebra named ”Sparkle” for every American pre-schooler regardless of income level.”

And now, about Sarah Palin and the Pitbulls, from the website of the comedian Andy Borowitz.  Since Andy doesn’t have any warnings…Wait.  What’s wrong with him?  Could it be that he doesn’t care how you hear about him as long as you do?  That if you like what you hear, you might want to go to his website for more?  Ha!  The Miami Herald could teach him a thing or two about protecting your intellectual property, and fading into oblivion while you’re at it!  In the interest of fairness, however, Andy’s website is www.borowitzreport.com.  Since he doesn’t have any scary warnings, I’ll post the entire content of his “Pitbull Shocker” essay: 

Pitbull Owners Blast Palin

Comparison ‘Offensive,’ Dog Fanciers Complain

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, who famously compared herself to a pitbull in her vice-presidential acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention, appears to have antagonized a key voting bloc in the upcoming election, the nation’s pitbull owners.

While Gov. Palin’s assertion that the only difference between a hockey mom and a pitbull was “lipstick” drew a loud ovation from the Republican faithful in St. Paul, it raised the ire of the Pitbull Anti-Defamation League, a powerful association of pitbull fanciers who monitor the portrayal of pitbulls in the media.

“As someone who has owned pitbulls for the past twenty years, my jaw dropped,” said Carol Foyler, the group’s executive director.  “Most of us are thinking the same thing: enough is enough.”

Ms. Foyler said that for pitbull owners who have grown weary of their prized dogs being defamed and mistreated, Gov. Palin’s wisecrack was the last straw: “We’re all like, first the Michael Vick thing, and now this.”

Tracy Klugian, an irate pitbull owner from Buffalo, New York, echoed Ms. Foyler’s sentiments: “I can think of many differences between pitbulls and Gov. Palin – for starters, pitbulls don’t try to get their ex-brothers-in-law fired.”

With Sens. Barack Obama (D-Ill) and John McCain (R-Ariz) fighting for every last vote, a coveted voting bloc like pitbull owners could very well decide the 2008 election, political insiders believe.

While Gov. Palin was not available for comment on the pitbull controversy, a spokesperson for the McCain-Palin ticket offered this official statement: “Gov. Palin does in fact have one thing in common with a pitbull: neither is capable of answering questions from reporters.”