Fakename Goes Digital

First, a pox on the local CBS Affiliate for sticking with the original date for switching from analog to digital, which they did on February 17th, thereby creating a TV emergency for me.  I have digital cable services, but only one cable-friendly TV.  The console TV in the main room died some years back, or, as I like to say, turned itself into a table.  I was making do with a small analog TV with rabbit ears.  With foil on the end of the rabbit ears.  Sitting on the old TV/new table.

Going digital was not that easy for me.  To begin with, as a general rule, Fakename and electronic devices do not belong in the same sentence, unless the devices are very simple.  Here’s what I mean by simple:  it must have only one cord.  One end of the cord plugs into a wall socket.  The other end plugs into some hole in the back of the device.  If there is more than one hole in the back of the device, that end of the plug must fit in only one of them.  (Colors and pictures welcome.) Alternatively, the device can operate on batteries.  I can install an unlimited number of batteries, since I’ve learned to recognize the positive and negative ends of batteries, and where they fit always has nice little plus and minus signs. 

There should be a limited number of buttons or switches on the device, preferably only one which says “On/Off”.  There must not be any button called “Menu”.    Therefore, I’m an ace at the installation and operation of coffee pots. 

So yesterday I took the plunge.  Since I have digital cable, I really didn’t need to buy a digital TV, but the three models I had a choice of at the place where I chose to shop each looked like they weighed at least 250 pounds.  So I went with digital, all of which were flat screen and had a high portability factor for 114 pound weakling owners.

Step One in the installment process is getting it out of the box, which has been put together with Superglue and a nuclear-powered staple gun.  I always allot four hours for this part.

So I got the new TV out of the box last night, set it up, and plugged it in.  That wasn’t too hard.  It doesn’t quite fit my definition of “simple”, since in addition to the power cords, you have the cable issue to deal with.  Cable from wall to cable box.  Second cable from cable box to TV.  Only one place on TV that cable will fit.  So far so good.  I did learn during this process that besides “Menu”, I don’t want any appliance which uses the word “Coaxial”. Then I turned on the TV.

The first thing that comes up automatically is the menu, and it asks you to choose a language.  English, which came up first, was my first choice.  It told me if that was OK, that I should press OK.  I can grasp that concept.  So I pressed OK…and the language changed.  After several presses of OK and language changes, I believe my menu is now in Ukrainian.  Mercifully, after a brief period of inactivity, the menu turned itself off.  Then the TV told me it had no signal.  That message moved around from place to place on the screen.  I guess in case my attention span was so short that  I missed it in the upper right corner, I would catch it when it moved into the lower left corner. 

I was pretty sure I had everything connected correctly.  I resigned myself to the idea that I would have to call Comcast to have them check the signal.  Calling Comcast is one of my favorite things to do, next to setting my hair on fire. 

This morning in the shower, I was like, Wait.  Doesn’t the TV have to be on Channel 3 to get the cable signal?  Dripping wet, I ran into the room and pressed “Power” then “3” on the remote control (good thing you can’t get electrocuted by remotes).  And Shazam!  We have TV.

I’m thinking the picture quality needs a little tweaking.   I’ll be doing that as soon as I learn to speak Ukrainian.

9 responses to “Fakename Goes Digital

  1. I have some Ukranian friends, but most of them don’t have digital. They are more focused on heat at the moment.

  2. A wee bit of tech ‘splaining: the ‘no signal’ message moves around the screen not to capture your wandering attention but to keep the pixels from burning in and forever ghosting ‘no signal’ in one spot, even while you’re watching Jeopardy!

  3. Thanks, Fakesister! That makes perfect sense!

  4. Congrats on setting that TV up by yourself! You may have a future in TV set-up!

    You have now leapfrogged me in the TV hierarchy; I don’t think my TV is digital. It definitely isn’t HD, even though it’s just a few years old. I intentionally avoided HD to get a deal.

  5. Right, Anarchist. Then I will move along to rocket science. Another reason I went with the digital TV is the possibility that someday I won’t be able to afford cable. My new TV is HD with a 32″ screen with a built-in DVD and two HDMI ports, which means I can get HD in one and plug in a Blu-Ray player in the other. How impressed are you that I know that? The saleswoman explained it to me. So I’ve known what HDMI means for 3 days now.
    I’ve read that most people can’t tell the difference between the digital and HD reception, so paying for HD isn’t really worth it.

  6. And my TV is, oh, 20 years old. I have satellite with local channels so I don’t have to worry my little head about the non-broadcast of analog real-soon-now. There is a tree, steadily growing taller in the way of trees, in my line-of-sight though.

  7. My friends in Ft. Lauderdale had satellite, and every time the wind blew the picture got scrambled. God forbid there should be an actual storm, then it was no picture at all. Which always happened when there was something you absolutely couldn’t bear to miss.
    Has cable made it to the “boonies” (ha ha, big joke) where you live?
    Also I’ve been wondering why “Fakesister” appears underlined, and sometimes in blue, when you comment. So yesterday I learned that it links to your personal website. Very cool. How did you do that? Remember to use very simple words (hopefully you will not have to use the word “coaxial”).

  8. This is by far the funniest post you have written in a long time. I’ve been laughing all day. Thanks!

  9. Thank you, ee! Fakesister says (during phone conversation after doing the NYTimes crossword) that when she signed up to WordPress to be able to comment, it gave her the option to link her website. So, no mystery. And she did not have to use the word “coaxial”. Also for those of you who were dying to know, HDMI stands for “High Definition Multimedia Interface”.

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